Anxious Adolescence and Anxious Adults

Parenting in the digital age presents challenges our own childhoods never prepared us for. As I was finishing The Anxious Generation, the new Netflix series Adolescence hit the screen — and it felt like Haidt’s words had come to life. I have no idea if the creators of Adolescence had read The Anxious Generation, but watching it made me feel like some of the chapters had come to life.

This book by Jonathan Haidt, who is a social psychologist, goes through the science and research to explain the changes that happened in society and technology, which resulted in a decline in children’s mental health across the globe. He also delves deeper into how these changes affected boys and girls differently. Therefore, his chapter on the effect on boys seemed to be echoed throughout Adolescence.

The Parenting Balancing Act in a Digital World

As a parent with four children between the ages of 5 to 14, I find myself in a constant struggle between protecting my children and helping them not feel isolated from their peers. I struggle with setting boundaries in my own home but feel like (or am told by my children) that everyone else has much more freedom than they do. A struggle between respecting my teenager’s privacy and needing to do random checks on her phone, as “kids will be kids”.

However, it feels like that phrase is from a time when the internet was in its infancy and smartphones had not been invented yet. A time when, due to only having four then five channels and the watershed, it meant children could not spend an endless amount of time watching TV. I tried to explain to my children that when I was young, if you were not in front of the TV when your favourite programme was on, you missed it. Also, it was only one episode at a time.

They had a look of shock and disgust on their faces. As if social services should have been called! My, then 4-year-old asked me, “In the olden days, when you were young, did they have sand?”. It was as if I was reading from an old dusty history book.

Implementing Boundaries – For Kids and Myself

Turning off the next episode auto play on Netflix and BBC iPlayer caused some grumbles with my children. Even when my husband and I explained the reasons. We wanted them to have a moment to decide whether to watch the next episode or do something else. To even decide if they needed the toilet or some water rather than mindlessly watching TV programmes that never end. 

My Own Digital Boundaries

Even as an adult, managing the expectations of others can be difficult. Below are some of the boundaries I set for myself:

• I check my emails 3 times a day and that is it. When I check my emails, the intention is that I will reply, delete or action tasks as necessary. I don’t think it is an efficient use of my time to keep refreshing my email, half reading emails, but not finishing the action needed and repeating this multiple times a day. If there is anything urgent, people can call or message me. This way, I get things done in as few sittings as possible.
• Even though I am grateful, I do not reply to emails with a thank you or a similar phrase. I assume that other people have an overwhelming number of emails and don’t need another email that they probably would not miss if you hadn’t sent it. (Please note that occasionally, I do say thank you. Sometimes, it feels appropriate as someone has really gone above and beyond. However, I make it specific and personal. I also will not reply to an email thread unless I have something to add. Often, other people have said what I wanted to, and therefore, there is no reason to reply. Again, why send unnecessary emails?!
• I will rarely watch reels sent to me on WhatsApp. Since Facebook/Meta bought Instagram and WhatsApp, it has become increasingly difficult to separate social media from texts/messages. For example, I used to go on Instagram when I wanted to, and I had a limit set for 30 minutes a day. I did not get any notifications, and there were no badges on the app to let me know someone had sent me a message or reel. Then Instagram suddenly had a button that made sharing to WhatsApp very easy. Now, I receive numerous reels a day from multiple people. When you click on the link, it takes you to Instagram, and once you have watched a video, another one starts, or you automatically scroll to the next one and 2 hours later, you realise you are late to pick up the kids or for an appointment.
• I am one of those people who will either reply to an email or message straight away, in an hour or days later. Sometimes, I may forget to reply entirely (sorry!). My philosophy is that if it is urgent or important, you can call me. Otherwise, I will get back to you when I can. 

The Personal Fallout of Digital Boundaries

Jonathan Haidt mentions in his book, and many others (me included) have come across the same issue when trying to manage screen/smartphone use for yourself and your family. Others take your boundaries as a personal attack on how they live their lives. Below are a few examples I have heard from past patients, clients and other wellbeing professionals (names have been changed for confidentiality reasons):

• Jane has a rule that her children are not allowed on YouTube at all. Her Sister allows her children unlimited time on YouTube with no supervision and felt this was a personal attack on her parenting ability. It was not but this caused a rift between them and made it difficult when both of their children would meet.
• Pardeep’s teenage children have time limits on all social media and game apps on their phones. When discussing this with another parent at a school play it became heated discussion as the other parent felt they needed to justify their stance that their children are growing up in a different world then they did, they will figure out a way to circumvent the limits anyway and you can create financial wealth on these platforms. Therefore, why set limits?
• Precious does not like to spend a lot of time on social media. She was part of a WhatsApp group with her two best friends.  Over time, the messages became mainly Instagram Reels and commenting on these Reels. Up to 40 a day at one point. Precious is a single mother with three children and works full time and, therefore, did not have time to watch AND comment on every reel. This created a disagreement, and her two best friends created another WhatsApp group that did not include her and stopped messaging completely on their original best friend group. 
• Marion would not allow her 13-year-old daughter, Ruth, to be on Roblox. However, when Ruth went to a friend’s house, her friend used her email address to make Ruth a Roblox account (and taught her how to hide the app on her phone) without checking with Ruth’s parents first. Marion found out a few months later when she realised that Ruth was staying up until 1 am secretly playing Roblox. This caused problems in Marion’s relationship with her daughter, who was now addicted to Roblox, and with the family of her friend who created the account.

Building a Supportive Community

I could go on and on and list many negative comments, people being ostracised from their friendship groups, arguments in the playground, children AND adults being bullied for people just trying to manage the negative effects that the internet, social media and smartphones can have on their lives.

In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt mentions the importance of finding other parents/a community of like-minded people so that your child also has a community of other children with similar boundaries, and you don’t feel like you are fighting an uphill battle on your own. It is not that social media and smartphones are evil. Friendships, relationships, clubs, job offers, and much more positive aspects can be had. It is just an entity that has grown and changed without much thought for the negative effects it can have on the people it is meant to help.

A Glimmer of Hope

On one hand, reading The Anxious Generation and watching Adolescence initially increased my own uneasiness and concerns about the wellbeing of my own children and for children and adults around the world. However, then something started to happen.  Conversations started happening. Not just on the news and with government officials but at book clubs, when picking up the kids or even in the supermarket. When you see that Australia has banned social media for under-16s, it makes me feel that there is a long way to go, but there is still hope for the future.

Final Thoughts on parenting in the digital age

Parenting in the digital era doesn’t come with a manual. But by setting clear boundaries and finding community, we give our children — and ourselves — the best chance to thrive in a world that’s still learning how to handle the tools it has created.

References

• Jonathan Haidt – The Anxious Generation
• NSPCC – Online Safety Advice
• YoungMinds – Social Media and Mental Health
• Internet Matters – Parental Controls Guide

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